Frankenstein

Sometimes I wish I could have held on.

Held on the everything that I sacrificed to be alone.

If I just didn't let everyone slip away.

What was I supposed to do? There was nothing else to talk about. No more words to say. 

And mostly all I really wanted to say to all of them was how much I hated them for not caring. I hated all of them for not trying. Why didn't they just try a little harder to scratch my surface? Why didn't they burrow under my skin and squirm through my veins? 

How did I get away with no one knowing me?

And now I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to because no one knows who I am now. Just a strange girl in a strange land.

I hate them so much because I needed them. But they wouldn't really love me. They wouldn't really even like the real me. I am scary. My brain is so scary. And sometimes suicidal. And sometimes homicidal. And I thought that there was something wrong, really wrong for a long time. Something missing. But I realized that it wasn't missing. The ticker that stopped me from carrying out all of these thoughts that drove me insane was in there. 

It's in my brain because I can feel the euphoria when it hits my brain. All those thoughts turn into spurts of joy and laughs of hysteria. When suddenly I don't want to smash my head into the windshield just to feel. The longing to dominate and frighten everything I'm around just stops. And I'm happy. 

I'm happy.

I'm happy.

IM HAPPY.

                                                                                              But it just doesn't feel right. It's not a warm happy. It's hysteria. And it's nothing at all. I perceive that I am happy because I don't feel the bad things. But why would I be happy? There's nothing to be happy for in these moments. 

I should be mourning my thoughts. I should feel sorrow for all the evil that has pranced through my head. Instead, I'm just laughing. Laughing an icy, numb laugh.