On The Inside

Naming the way one's heart feels is a very sensitive thing to do.
All hearts are confused; we all desire the same fruit but don't like the bitter core.
The sweet aroma of acceptance and purpose lure us in to each other, and we partake in the consumption of the sweet nectar of love, closing our eyes, letting every taste bud of our soul become addicted to this bliss.

While we have our eyes closed, our hearts become the most vulnerable. And when we finally get to the core of this relationship, it is bitter. Getting to the core leaves us with two options:
1. Throw away the remains.
2. Plant the seeds and allow the relationship to grow.

If you haven't caught on, the fruit I'm talking about is any type of relationship, whether or not it's romantic.
I would really like to pretend for a few seconds, for the sake of heartache, that the line between the two options was clear cut. But the fact that you still taste the fruit, even after you get to the core can really taint your decision. You see, I feel like I've gotten to the core, replanted, and gotten to a new core in a lot of my relationships. I'm planning on sorting through the seeds before I plant again.

Now that I'm done with that completely ridiculous metaphor, I will speak a little more comprehensibly.

Home?

I had a disturbing epiphany the other night: I AM HOMELESS.

It's hard to belong when you just don't. Here, in Fayetteville, in college, in my dorm, I am not at home. When I go back to Jonesboro to see my family for the holidays, it won't be home. It's like I left with expectations that everything would pause and life there would wait on me... but it didn't.

After this realization, I began to adjust the way I was thinking: I have been determined to make Fayetteville, Arkansas my home. I have been shunning everyone here who has tried to befriend me in hopes of returning to the friends I left... they aren't there anymore and it's never going to be the same. I have to adapt to where I am.

And so I have.

Who would have thought that the change was as easy as a decision? Not me. I'm not saying that I'm not homeless anymore... because I still am. I'm homeless, but hopeful!

This month marks three years since my cousin's death. 

I think that's where all this extra heart is coming from.

I just can't believe how much it still hurts to put it down, to know it's real.

How does life just happen so quickly? These years have been packed with so many lessons and I've been so broken.

I think what I'm really longing for is a real friend. Someone to just lay with me and talk about everything; someone to share music and movies with. I'm just ready to have someone there again. I've had my several months alone- it's just time.

Loni Love and I. I think we might be friends?

On a strange note, I keep having nightmares about clear, carbonated beverages. I thought withdrawal was supposed to happen like the week after you stop doing something??? I stopped drinking cokes a few months back and I've been fine up until this week! It's the strangest thing. I think these dreams are reality in so many ways, until I wake up. Speaking of which, I cannot believe how real my dreams are! I can't tell the from reality lately! 

Once upon a time, I too mistook bricks for love.  

Emmily

My mood turned melancholy quickly. It's funny how the little things in life can place a smile neatly on your face for hours... but then the darkest part of your being feels need to rip all the good feelings to shreds, pulling them into a black hole that is simultaneously spewing acid into your throat. 

I do not like this feeling. When it happens, warm tears drip down my cheeks.

There's not a person to pin this on. There's not an event to pin this on.

this is born of my insecurity

I just need to STOP.

And come back when I'm happy again.

bye

If you don't talk to me, I'll talk to myself.

Life's really confusing right now. It's like I've been thrown on a one way street and told to walk without an earthly way of knowing which direction I am going.

Today, I sat in the Greek Theater and just contemplated my life as a whole. What exactly does everything I am doing mean? It seems as if I am growing up, as if I am growing apart from the person I used to be. All my desires, thoughts, and concerns are so different from last year: 

Think back. Think really hard and try to remember what it felt like to live from moment to moment one year ago. It's hard to even remember what was going on in my life. It seems as though life is for mostly today, and then some for tomorrow. 

I walked a long way today, but I didn't mind. It was brisk and refreshing. For some of the walking I was even accompanied by my wonderful friend Jessica. Despite the fact that it was a game day and the streets were crowded beyond belief, I was able to see so much nature! 

Humphreys.

Bench.

Tree.

                    

Plate de la food.

Drawing de la table.

           

I just need to sit down and figure out life. That's all.